Ego: Friend or Foe?
Chris Atley
FEATURE
There is a lot of talk about big egos these days. Recently, I met with a former client, a K9 medic trainer who trains the top government agencies around the world. She works alongside some of the best veterinarians and medical professionals in the industry. What she said to me about the ego was interesting. She has a “no ego” policy in her company, meaning that anyone with a big ego is not allowed to be part of her team because that person becomes a disruption to everyone else. The person’s need to be special intimidates others and prevents them from doing their best. What a bummer. These doctors are very educated and great at what they do, yet no one wants to be around them. People with this demeanor feel entitled due to their accomplishments. In terms of their need to be treated exclusively and their perception that they’re better than everyone else, their egos unfortunately prevent them from the opportunity to help others on a bigger scale and from growing faster professionally. How ironic.
That is the more widely accepted definition of the ego. My take on it differs slightly. The ego is essentially the thought system that tells us we aie not good enough or worthy enough. It’s those thoughts that force us to compare ourselves to others and where “should do” and “have do” live. We all have it, and we all listen to it. In the previous example, the ego is about the need to feel special, thus covering up a deeply rooted wound around low self-esteem and not feeling loved aside from all of the stellar accomplishments.
The ego is rooted in fear
The ego keeps us in the thought pattern of never measuring up and always needing more, doing more, and being more. It tells us that when we have achieved X, we will finally be good enough and worthy of love. What happens though, is once
we finally achieve ‘X’, we realize it’s not enough to feel at peace. Something is missing, and it’s because material things and accomplishments do not bring us happiness. Happiness occurs from what is happening on the inside, not the outside. The ego has us chasing all of these external things to finally feel worthy enough, but it’s a trap. Sure, we can feel proud, but it is not a substitute for love, peace, and happiness. We will continue to strive externally to achieve the internal state we’re looking for, and it will never work. Overachievers and underachievers experience this on the same level. Overachievers are focused so much on achieving because they were given love as they grew up in return for their achievements—not for who they really were as people, on the inside. Perfectionism starts here. Underachievers never feel good enough to begin with and therefore never even try. They stop themselves before they even get out of the gate.
When we listen to the ego, it jades our perception of the truth, thus affecting our relationships and businesses, and making it cloudy and hard to see. We are stuck in the muck. Our ego has us thinking all kinds of things, such as we’re not smart enough; money is hard to earn; we have to work harder; there aren’t enough clients; we have to charge low rates, etc. Anything rooted in lack or fear is the ego, and it can cause a lot of confusion when we’re trying to formulate new business strategies. It will tell us all kinds of lies to keep us right where we are instead of growing and expanding. All of that busy work we talk ourselves into doing is simply a method to keep us stuck.
So how do we break this cycle? Well, we work on the opposite—the thought system that is about love and connection. Not love in a romantic way, although that also serves a purpose, but love in the sense of a deep caring for others. To realize we are all connected and part of something bigger
than us. Where we are all from the same place and no one is better or less. Where we’re all equal. This takes away the competitiveness of the ego. Realizing that we are abundant beings capable of the most amazing things and there is enough for all of us. There is an unlimited supply. That takes away the fear the ego has us so readily believe.
When we operate from that place, we also know fully that we are enough. We therefore let down our guard, squash the need to be special, forget needing to be right all of the time (how exhausting!), and rid ourselves of shame, blame, worry, and perfectionism. How freeing. We can truly just be—be ourselves, connect with one another, and truly serve. This way of being brings freedom, peace, and joy. The best part is we get to choose. In every second of every day, we can choose to either operate from the ego or choose love instead.
So what stops us from operating from love? Well, our belief systems get in the way a lot. Our beliefs dictate our thoughts, and therefore our feelings, actions, and behaviors (and inaction too). We are brought up with beliefs about every thing from money, relationships, how to behave, going to school, etc. You name it and there is a belief system around it, and most lead back to fear (ego) instead of empowerment (love). The first step is to gain awareness around these belief systems and understand how they limit you. Carve out some time this coming week to make a point to start analyzing your thoughts and beliefs. Stay curious and avoid judgment.
The next step is to shift those beliefs, which can be tough. It can happen in an instant, but the problem is that you’re still in the environment where everything is set up to support your old beliefs. You will get sucked back in and you will choose the ego. It’s natural, so cut yourself a break while you’re navigating new terrain. Choose an empowered belief you would like to have instead. What is the
opposite of the fear-based, limiting belief? Say it to yourself often and you will start to shift your mind and your circumstances. Also, look at what needs to shift, change, or be let go of in your environment to support this new belief. How does this version of you make decisions? When you are empowered, you are in your most resourceful state where you will see all of the resources and solutions at your disposal to help you make your big dreams and goals happen.
Now how does operating from love relate to business? It’s everything. Imagine conducting new patient consultations knowing there are unlimited opportunities for you. Knowing you will always be shown more people to serve, and that when you just focus on helping that person right in front of y ou, a powerful, loving energy is sent out that will come back to you in spades. What happens when you finally do feel good enough? You show up differently in client interactions by being that confident and brilliant version of yourself. You become a magnet for new patients, referrals, and a thriving practice.
Current American Psychological Association research findings show that people want contentment, love, and happiness derived from meaningful work, and as Aristotle once said, “Happiness depends on ourselves.”
When you operate from an empowered, loving state in all areas of your life, business will flow, relationships will be more meaningful, and, more importantly, you will have a deep sense of happiness.
Isn’t it time to kick that ego to the curb?
F Chris Atley is an awardwinning coach, speaker, and tw'jl bestselling author. She has : i been featured on Bloomberg Radio, FOX, ABC, and the Saturday Morning TV Foundation. She is known for her ability to identify and remove the obstacles keeping people stuck from realizing massive residís in business and life. Learn more about Chris at www. chrisatley.com or 858-367-9217.
